Declarative Language vs Imperative Language: How We Speak Matters in Parenting
- Bethany Yu
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
Most parents use imperative language without thinking.
“Put your shoes on.” “Clean your room.” “Stop doing that.”
Imperative language is direct, efficient, and often necessary. But when it becomes the dominant way adults speak to children, it can unintentionally limit a child’s ability to think, self-correct, and regulate themselves.
Understanding the difference between imperative and declarative language helps parents support thinking rather than compliance. Declarative language offers a different approach. Instead of telling children what to do, it helps them notice, reflect, and decide.
What Is Imperative Language?
Imperative language gives commands or instructions. It tells the child exactly what action to take.
Examples include:
“Sit properly.”
“Finish your homework.”
“Pack your bag.”
This type of language places the responsibility for organisation, initiation, and monitoring on the adult. The child’s role is to comply.
Imperative language can be useful in situations that require speed or safety. However, when used constantly, it teaches children to wait for direction rather than engage their own thinking.
What is Declarative Language?
Declarative language shares observations or information without demanding an immediate response.
Examples include:
“Your shoes are still by the door.”
“It looks like there are toys all over the floor.”
“Homework time is coming up soon.”
Declarative language invites the child to notice the situation and decide what to do next. Unlike imperative commands, this contrast between imperative vs declarative language activates executive function skills such as awareness, planning, and self-monitoring.
Why Declarative Language Builds Executive Function
Executive function develops when children practise thinking, not when thinking is done for them.
When a parent says, “Clean your room,” the child does not need to plan, sequence, or problem-solve.
When a parent says, “Your room looks quite messy,” the child’s brain has to engage.
They must identify the issue, decide on a starting point, and initiate action. These are core executive function skills. Declarative language also reduces emotional pressure. Because it is not a command, the child’s nervous system stays calmer, making it easier to think clearly.
Reducing Power Struggles and Resistance
Many power struggles arise not because children are unwilling, but because they feel controlled.
Imperative language often triggers defensiveness, especially in children with autism, ADHD, or sensory sensitivities. Declarative language feels less threatening and more collaborative.
Instead of positioning the adult as the authority giving orders, it positions the adult as a partner sharing information.
But What If My Child Does Nothing?
This is a common concern. When children are first exposed to declarative language, there may be a pause. That pause is the brain processing.
If support is needed, parents can scaffold gently: “What do you usually start with?”“Do you want to pick up books or clothes first?”
Over time, children begin to anticipate expectations and act independently because they are learning to read situations rather than respond to commands.
The Long-Term Impact of Language
The way adults speak to children becomes the way children speak to themselves.
Children raised on constant commands may develop an inner voice that waits for instruction or criticism. Children exposed to declarative language learn to self-reflect, problem-solve, and adjust their behaviour without external control.
This is the foundation of independence, not compliance.
Using Both, Intentionally
This is not about eliminating imperative language. Clear commands are necessary for safety, urgency, and boundaries.
The goal is balance and intention. By choosing declarative language when time and safety allow, parents give children daily opportunities to practise executive function in real life.
Small changes in language create powerful changes in thinking.
An invite to connect
If you would like support in building your child’s executive function, emotional regulation, and independence through everyday communication, we’re here to help.
At Total Communication, we work with families with evidence-based language strategies that support thinking, self-regulation, and connection.
Get in touch with us to learn how small changes in communication can create meaningful, long-term impact for your child.
Call: +65 9115 8895
WhatsApp us: http://wa.me/+6591158895
Fill our reachout form: https://www.totalcommunication.com.sg/contact
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